My motivation to write, is a little "off" this week. I have started working on multiple post. That isn't usually how I do it. Every other week I have picked a topic and worked at it until it was done... but not this week. This week I started one about living in a camper, a post about the different sides of baseball, and even one about what I do during the day when Tyler is away... and maybe one day I will finish them and share... but for now, everything I type or try to put into words, just doesn't feel right. Maybe it is because we have a lot of events coming up. Between people visiting and my trip home, the next six weeks seem overwhelming and I find myself flustered. Maybe it is because I know that Tyler and I simply won't have as much time together and he is just about the only one that keeps me grounded. Maybe it is because he is currently on the road and even though I have a lot of physical time on my hands, I still can't seem to get anything done. I can't make my brain slow down enough to relax or complete any tasks because I am always so focused on planning out everything in my immediate future. I just want to know how things are going to to happen.
If you know me at all... I am an organizer. Not the kind that has a clean room where everything has a place or a closet with a box for every shoe... I am the kind who has an agenda and I write everything down. I am a list maker. I use a different color for every event. I mark down when payments are due, even when they are auto drafted. I make grocery lists even when there is only two things on it and I could easily remember them both. I have sticky notes everywhere. I write things down when they are already a habit that I'm not going to forget (examples: bible study and baseball)... but it feels good to know that I have accomplished it and can mark it off the list. Sometimes I even write things down after I have already done them just so I can remember when I did them, and then I can mark it off. I have my routine and I like it, so when something messes it up, I get agitated... I have a need to feel like I can control what is going on around me... NEWS FLASH: I have no control... at least sometimes it feels that way. Baseball seems to have most of the control. It dictates where we live and the games dictate what time we do things. Living in Japan dictates what kind of food we can eat and what time of the day we can talk to our families... but maybe that all contributes to why I feel the need to have control, at the very least, over what I plan to do from day to day.
I am writing on this topic this week because the subject is currently consuming me, but the original inspiration for this post came to me when a friend once asked me how I let go of control and let God take over... and after reading the last couple of paragraphs you are probably wondering WHY IN THE WORLD they would ask for my advice. In reality, after I saw all of it in writing I thought I was a bit of a Looney Tune too and I could understand why you would think that there is absolutely no way that I have a suggestion on how to give up control...but in reality, I think she asked me because she knows I am a planner. She knows that I fall into a funk sometimes. She knows that I am not perfect but somehow, I have figured out what works for me, in finding Jesus through my fog. (You know... the fog and panic that I create by worrying too much and creating problems that aren't really there... ) Giving up control is hard, and scary, and frankly... most of the time I don't like it. Let's be honest, I don't like it because I am most definitely not good at it. But if I want to continue to live in this world without imploding and taking everyone I love down with me... it is kind of a really big necessity. So here it is... my "secret". Are you ready?
* I don't give up my calendar, agenda, or lists... but I very often find myself having to clear them all and just write: listen.*
I know... I typed that like a pro. Basically, just listen to what God has to say. Duh... done. That makes it sound easy... too easy. I know what you are thinking... "wait... what? she has control.... she doesn't have control... which is it?" Just because I know how to calm my storm doesn't mean I'm good at it. God bless my sweet husband, because I know he is either laughing as he reads this or he is really confused... He is a saint when it comes to me feeling like I am "losing control". He is calm and collected and I am simply just... not. Which is probably why he is wondering how in the heck I am going to be able to elaborate on this topic, because I have such a hard time doing it myself... but hang on babe... because here goes nothing...
In reality, baseball doesn't control our life and neither does where we live. I was still right though, when I said that I don't control anything... because God influences all of it. No matter how badly I want to plan out my life and every little step throughout it, I know in my heart that His plan is better than mine in every way. He sees the big picture and all I need to do is clear my list and listen to what he has to say. I have to sit down, slow down, and actually absorb what he wants me to hear. I know that it is easier said than done... I struggle with it EVERYDAY. It is a process. I lose my cool every once in awhile... but just because it is hard doesn't mean it isn't the right choice.
It’s okay to not be perfect all the time. It’s okay to forget that Gods got this. It is okay to struggle. Sometimes, even when you take the time to listen... it is hard to hear. And everyone "hears" it different. Some people literally hear Him. Some people read the Bible and feel His word. Some people hear Him through the words of others. So, I understand that it isn't always a "simple" task. No one can tell you how to do it, that's part of the challenge. And when you finally grasp the idea and know exactly what God needs you to do, everything isn't instantly better. Everything doesn't just clear up. Problems don't disappear. Listening to Jesus isn't an "instant fix"... but if you can listen to Him and realize that the picture is so much bigger than your immediate future... then the fog lifts a bit and there is a clearer line of site to all the amazing things He has planned... and that is what makes it a lot easier to let go of control.
‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things
you do not know.’ -Jeremiah 33:3
Comments