This is procrastination AT. IT’S. FINEST. *if you are new or just haven’t heard, my husband plays baseball. We have a two year old. We are moving to Taiwan! Yeah… like 16 hours away, by plane. We leave in 2 days. No, I have never been. Nope, we don’t know the language. Yep, I have zero idea what to expect. Indeed, I am anxious. But in the words of Hillsong United “if the wind goes where You send it, so will I!” end summary* Packing is CONSUMING ME. So here I am, writing, instead of putting everything of importance into a suitcase (or 6). I can’t look at my To Do List anymore. I needed a breather, so I thought I would talk to y’all and tell ya how life is going and how we have learned to make it work.
“Because my brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish. I’m writing a letter. I can’t write a letter. Why can’t I write a letter? I’m wearing a green dress. I wish I was wearing my blue dress. My blue dress is at the cleaners. The Germans wore grey. You wore blue. Casablanca. Casablanca is such a good movie. Casablanca. The White House. Bush. Why don’t I drive a hybrid car. I should really drive a hybrid car. I should really take my bicycle to work. Bicycle. Unicycle. Unitard. Hockey puck. Rattle snake. Monkey. Monkey. Underpants.” -Lorelei Gilmore
Not the most intellectual quote I have ever used on this site. But right now, THIS IS ME. My brain is a freakin' mess... And I’m slacking in some really important departments of my life: parenting, communication, & my general health.
Now hear me out… at this point you are probably either already checked out because I just used a quote talking about underpants… or thinking “surely the title of this blog isn’t saying she is going to wait until tomorrow to handle all this stuff?!” Well yeah… I kinda am. You hear a lot that you shouldn’t wait for tomorrow. Because it isn’t promised. Which is technically true. But sometimes rushing into stuff isn’t the answer either. Sometimes you need the time to take it all in. Time to talk to Jesus before you lose your mind. But I’m not saying to put it off, that isn’t my real point. I’m saying I will be better tomorrow because of what has happened to me today. Both good and bad. I’m learning. I’m growing.
Not everyone has something as crazy as moving to Taiwan, with a toddler in tow, on their plate right now. But everyone has their “hard stuff”. Most people are just out their doing their best. And there are definitely so many people that have it way harder than I do. I realize that. oH, yOu GeT tO gO lIvE iN a ReAlLy CoOl NeW pLaCe… PoOr YoU! I know. But leaving my sweet Bella girl (our 10 year old chihuahua) and everyone/thing you know and love is “my” hard. Everyone’s is different. But right now… I’m having a really hard time with:
Feeling like a subpar mom. I stop a lot and realize that I’m being a “yelling parent” or I just am generally not giving Bryn the time that I want to. I am distracted. I’m struggling… I’m flustered. And I swear food is always burning when she needs me, or I'm carrying a 50 lb suitcase across the house, or I'm drowning in some kind of list.
I am extremely short on patience... With everyone. It’s not hard to get on my nerves. I usually don’t realize it until it’s too late. So if I have been snappy with you lately… I’m sorry.
Procrastination. I’m in shut down mode. When something gets to be too much and I start to get anxious/ stressed about it. I just stop. Yeah… not ideal. But here I am.
Eating like *insert poop emoji here*. I will use all the excuses. Including, “I’m moving to a different country next week. I have no idea what they will have there. So I’m eating anything and everything that sounds even a little bit good!” But that doesn’t exactly give me the most energy or make me feel great.
Working out (don’t get me wrong. This one probably isn’t changing). But I do tend to think that working out can be a great stress relief… but I don’t have the time (this is not just my normal excuse… I legitimately do not have time) and when I do, I have plenty of other things I would rather be doing or people I would rather see before we leave.
This is where I turn to Jesus. There is something really calming and humbling about hearing our daughter sing Jesus loves me, most of the time she randomly sings it when I need it most. It’s funny how that always works out! *cough cough… it’s a God thing*. Or when the nights are busy and I’m trying to lay her in bed, her sweet little voice, patiently reminding me “I need to pray first”. My goodness from the mouth of babes right. What would our lives be like if I could *patiently* tell myself in hard times... “I need to pray first?!”
So, I’m tired. I’m anxious. Im excited but I’m scared. I’m sad but I'm ready. It’s hard. It’ll be the same tomorrow. My situation won’t be different. Moving will just be one day closer. But I’m choosing to “hit pause” and pray about it, to be thankful for the most amazing life, to soak in the great things that are happening right at this moment. Because I know this chaos is temporary. I’ll trust that God knows best. I am thankful that I have people that make it so difficult to leave. I’ll try to remind myself that it is okay to step away from the packing even with only a few days left to finish. I’m going to embrace this really freakin' cool adventure, living out our dream across the world, with my favorite people. I’ll let the hard stuff sculpt me to be who I need to be. Then I’ll sleep on it. I’ll be better tomorrow.
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