Nope nope nope. I am not okay. One whole year… I can’t possibly be the mother of a one year old. Complete and total denial. The days sometimes feel long, but the weeks/ months/ and now a WHOLE year seem so short. It sounds so cliché to say that time flies... but I guess that is the saying for a reason.
If Facebook is good for one thing... it is the "on this day" section. For the past couple of weeks it has reminded me just how huge I was at this point last year. I had a whole dang child growing inside of me. I was literally full of wonder and the unknown. But honestly, being pregnant is a distant memory. It is kind of like a very fond dream, the ones you remember when you wake up but they are still kinda foggy and you can't grasp all of the details. I look back at pictures of myself 364 days ago and don’t even believe it was me. It seems so long ago... but the year went so fast. I remember the doctor appointments and the big moments but I wish I would have soaked it all in just a little bit more. I wish that I would have realized then, that one day, I wouldn't be able to remember what it felt like to have Brynlee move around in there. But as I look at her, I know this part is so much better. Every stage of life thus far, with Bryn, has been my favorite. Everyday something is different and she shows me how wonderful she is and how incredible she will continue to be as she keeps growing.
When I look back over this last year, my heart aches a little. It was the best year of my life. It was hard, it was challenging, but it made me a mama. She made me the best version of myself that I have ever been. I may have lost my temper, I have cried, and I have been tested to my limits… but all for the best reason. And I would do it again because now I know what it feels like to love something more than life itself. A little human who I literally made, even though she looks 100% like her father. *hard eye-roll* I can't imagine going back to how life was. I have laughed until I could not breathe. I feel like every hard thing I do each day gets rewarded with a really sloppy kiss or a really tiny arm wrapping itself around my neck with the best hug. I am whole when I didn't even know I was missing something before.
Sometimes I hear the words “let mama get her bag first and then we will go” come out of my mouth and then I think, wait. That’s me. Who let me be the mom?! I was fiercely independent and now I. Am. the Mama. I am in charge of someone else's wellbeing. And sometimes that’s hard to grasp. Then other days it’s the most natural thing in the world. Most of the time I live in disbelief that we made her. And speaking of “we”… I had no doubt that Tyler would make the best dad. He has always taken such good care of me (and Bella) that I had no doubt he would make the greatest leader of our household… but he has exceeded ALL my expectations. I have always been SO proud to be his wife… but watching him love our girl, is a whole different kind of pride. She is the best parts of me and the best parts of him, and I can’t wait to see where life takes her. We are only one year in and life has taken her a heck-of-a-lot of places.
In one year, our little ray of sunshine has lived in 3 states and 2 countries. Traveled to/ through 18 US states. 8 planes rides. 4 very very very long road trips. 3 houses and a camper. 8 hotels, I think... but multiple stays in each. She has SO MANY FRIENDS. She has already done so many things that most people can only dream of doing... and even if it is her daddy doing all the work to take us all of these places... we are so proud of her. Just for hangin' in there! As I have said before “I know that God is blessing our little girl with an entirely different perspective on life. She is getting to grow up knowing that it doesn’t matter where you come from, or what you look like, or how old you are… that home is where you make it. If you work hard, treat people with respect, and love everyone with a Jesus filled heart, you can make friends wherever you go.”
But honestly, it doesn’t even matter where she has been… even if she had never left Washington County, we would still be wildly proud of her. She laughs with her whole body, she claps, she sings, she gives high fives like nobodies business, she blows kisses, if you give her an avocado... she will eat it, she knows no strangers, she loves VeggieTales... which gives me great hope that she is going to love Jesus too, she is ALWAYS on the move, she is consistently taking 5 steps before nose diving into whoever will catch her... but she is determined. And let me tell you what, SHE IS NOT SCARED (and that scares me a little!). She's our little firecracker. Her heart is big. And we are better just for knowing her, much less being her parents.
So, if you are looking for me today... I am probably the one crying, because it is going so stinkin' fast. If you don't hear from us, it is because we are soaking in every single minute with our ONE YEAR OLD. We are getting all the hugs we can get. We are taking in the little moments because one day those little moments will start to fade and be outgrown with bigger moments... but I never want them to grow distant like a foggy dream. Mom may be struggling but Brynlee Ann is thriving, and that is all that we could ask for!
