“When are y’all going to start having kids?”

My response used to be, “I’m a stay at home dog mom, for now”. I even have a t-shirt to prove it. Don’t get me wrong, though... just because that was my "go to" answer doesn’t mean that I haven’t thought about kids… a lot. I love Bella with MY WHOLE heart... she has been with me since my sophomore year of college. Tyler knew what he was doing when he decided he would give her to me. She has taken many road trips with me. She has watched baseball games in more states than most humans. She has growled at every strange man from Texas to Portland, Maine (literally). Every man that she has ever seen gets a snarl, just to (try to) keep me safe. (Lets face it... she is 6 pounds but that doesn't keep her from trying!) When Tyler was traveling, it was just me and Bella... conquering the world. My dad even brought her to me while I was getting ready for our wedding because he didn’t want her to miss out (featured pic). I will always be so grateful that she is my first "baby", but let's face it, she will never be able to call me mom.

Being parents has always been in our plans. Tyler is going to make the greatest daddy to a tall lanky little boy (because let’s face it... if he is anything like my husband... I’m not getting a chunky little Michelin man. I am getting a tall drink of water with little to NO body fat) in baseball pants swinging a rope around their head trying to catch dad’s feet as he walks by. God willing, I’ll be a girl mom too. The kind who spends her time making sure that all the little ballet shoes and cheer bows are in the correct bag by the door… but up until recently that minor league salary just wasn’t cutting it for us and our high maintenance pup, much less a baby. That wasn’t the only reason, but it was pretty big on our “cons” list. It was somewhere between: do we try to plan getting pregnant on a baseball timeline because, “what if I’m due in the middle of the season and Tyler can’t be there for the birth of our child” and how will we prepare a home for a baby when we are gone all baseball season… A nursery and all of the things we need aren’t going to just appear because we get pregnant. And no, me staying in Texas to prepare was not an option... if he got "the call" I was going to be there!

We are 26 and have been married for more than 3 years. We have been together since 2011. We understand where the question stems from. We have friends who have been together for a third of the time and already have multiple children. It’s not a bad question. We get it, but we also live in multiple states/ countries a year. In the last 6 months we have lived in 4 different locations... 3 of those were in different countries and one was a camper. Our story is just a little different. There are just too many uncertainties to jump in without being prepared.

However, after moving back from the Dominican in November, we had started to talk it out a little more. If you know Tyler at all, he is a money guy. He has been planning for a family since the day he got drafted and asked me to marry him, and financially we thought maybe we could make it work this year. Also, we were comfortable in our organization. We knew how it worked. And after watching some of my good friends the last few years… I KNOW baseball season can be done with a brand new baby. I have seen very strong women, handle it flawlessly! I only hoped to do half as well as them. Those same women could give me recommendations on doctors in the area and advice when I needed it. We were confident that we could make this go (pretty) smoothly. Also, most of all… our families are beyond supportive and we knew that they had our backs, whenever we were ready.

So there we were, our minds were almost made up. This next year is the year. 2019. The year we try to have a baby. This was the year we thought we would at least give it a shot. But then baseball did what it does best… and it threw us a Clayton Kershaw type curveball. Pun totally intended. Tyler got a call. Not the one we were praying for… but it happened none the less. “That was my agent, a Japanese team is going to offer to buy out my contract. We could be moving to Japan”. Are you kidding... we don’t know how to live in Japan... much less have a baby there. Do we even have insurance anymore? WHAT. IS. HAPPENING. We know that God's timing is better than ours... but it doesn’t always make it instantly easier to handle.

Bottom line, baseball life is hard... it’s a whole bunch of other, WAY more positive, things too... but it’s also really really hard sometimes. The day Tyler got that call was definitely my lowest day… probably ever. I know... it seems like a silly low to have... just call me crazy! He received the opportunity of a life time and I received a panic attack... but let me explain this a little better. This is a way better contract, we get to travel, this opportunity was unreal! I knew this was huge for him! It was a big deal and I would never say no... but WHAT? If there was one place in the world that I knew NOTHING about... it was Japan. Now I was supposed to move there.... Sure, I am usually a really "go with the flow" kind of person when it comes to moving and traveling, but this was something entirely different and when you get news like that, a million things start to run through your mind. At least for me it does. Anxiety took over. I remember it quite literally, I was on the bathroom floor... on my knees with my forehead on the ground. Looking back on it, it seems like a really unfortunate place to choose but hey, you live and learn... right? Anyway, my friend Kelly once told me that sometimes the best and most humbling place to pray is on your knees and she was right. I’ve never been closer with God then right then. I was crying, no… I was sobbing. Thank goodness God knows all, because I was basically incomprehensible. The conversation went something like this: How in the world are we supposed to live in Japan?! Tyler will have to go on the road and then I will be by myself IN JAPAN, what will I do? Where will we live? How will we communicate with those around us? Do we need vaccinations? What about my bible study? It’s my little brothers senior year... I’m going to miss everything! What about Bella… How do we do this? Please help me be positive so that I can be supportive. Really, Japan? How are we going to tell our families? Tyler doesn't like raw fish... what is he going to eat? Please help me find the strength to leave everything behind. Holy cow... when are we even leaving? Probably February... How will we possibly prepare to live in Japan in one months time? I have a doctors appointment in two weeks... And then there it was... I felt the words slipping out of my mouth. Words I knew that I wanted... but not this bad. "How are we going to have a baby in Japan?"

In that moment, I was no longer a "stay at home" dog mom because I knew I was going to have to leave my most cherished friend with my parents. I went from hoping that I would be a mom with a real baby and a "doghter", to being just a (somewhat flustered) baseball wife. A wife that was going to have to figure out how take care of herself, in Japan. I could feel everything slipping out from under me.

But then something changed. Bob Goff says in one of his books “He speaks most clearly in the stillness desperation brings.” This is one of the most honest statements I have EVER heard. Because right there, in what was probably my lowest low, I could feel JESUS putting his arms around me. In that moment, I knew that He had my back and whatever happened from that second on, was his plan for us. So... I stood up, wiped my eyes, and promised him that I would never be that selfish again. I would go wherever it was that he needed me to go! I would meet whoever it was that this journey destined me to meet. I would spread his light to the best of my abilities. I would trust his plan for our family and the rest would come later.

So my new answer to the question is… "In God's time." Right now we don’t know when we are going to have our own children. We are kind of back at square one as far as that goes. However, being children of God… we know that we are right where we need to be and together we can handle anything! Feel free to keep asking though... because one day, our answer may be different!

“Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you. Before you saw the light of day, I had holy plans for you”

- Jeremiah 1:5

*For those of you who are struggling with your next step, I advise you kneel down and pray about it. Maybe by your bed though... it's a little more sanitary. And if you don’t know how (or even if you do) feel free to reach out and I would love to do it with you. Everyone's journey is different... and that is OKAY! You aren’t alone in this because I’m here for ya!*